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Random Thoughts 2.0
Thursday, February 13, 2014 | Posted by XinJun | 1 comment/sBack with another random thoughts post.
I don't think I've mentioned this to anyone, but I am really scared of death, or lemme say it this way, I'm scared that the world is just all about science, and science only, that there isn't really such thing as soul. Then what happens after you die? Do you just die? Will anyone remember me? I mean, I'm not like the ever so famous Einstein or Newton, I'm just a no one to people whom I don't meet.
I guess this is all the, you've never done enough in your life, that you won't want to let go so easily, thing. People always say, you gotta do what you wanna do, never leave regrets in your life. But life is full of obligations and limitations, how many people can actually do whatever they want to do. There are so many obstacles: financial problems, health problems and much more.
I always think of all these when I can't sleep at night, when I'm reminded of all those old people. Why? I try to put myself into their situation, have they lived their life how they wanted it to be? I can't imagine myself being that old. We always say, oh life is so long, you have plenty of time. It's definitely not true, not true at all. I remember how I used to think, wow, being a teenager is so good, being 18 is so free, and BAM, I'm now less than half a year to 19. Sometimes I think, what if, I die young, I won't even get married, I won't have my own children, who's gonna remember me then? My family? Well, I'm sure they will, but for how long? Until they've also passed away? My friends? Friends are never forever, lemme tell you. No matter how close you are, in the end, you are bound to be separated.
Then I start praying to God, I'll say, God, please give me a sign, just any sign, like, leave the cupboard door open (when it is wide open) after I wake up, or let me have a dream, doesn't matter is it a good or bad dream. But then I'll change my mind, no God I'm not doubting you, it's okay I don't need any signs, I believe in you. I know my faith isn't strong enough, I'm working my way through it. I know to have strong faith, I should always believe the existence of God, and that I never have to challenge him.
Oh man this has turned out so emo and like, deathly. I don't know. I've never shared this to anyone, and this is my first time letting it out, to everyone of you reading this. I feel the urge to blog this because, like I said, what if I die young? I won't have the chance to tell anyone this then. I don't want to cry myself to bed thinking of all these anymore. Though I still think I'll start having these thoughts again when I can't sleep in some other nights. But, well, thank you for reading (if you've read up to here), really, thank you.